


Phantom Thorns

by WeirdDaydreamingFangirl



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fluff In The End, Humor, Incest in the beginning, cockblocked Jaime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-11 00:07:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11702679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeirdDaydreamingFangirl/pseuds/WeirdDaydreamingFangirl
Summary: Just when Jaime thought he was free to pursue intimacy with Cersei, a ghost prevents it from happening.





	Phantom Thorns

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time to really write Olenna Tyrell. This is just pure crack and barely even edited. So apologies if somethings are shitty. This idea just wouldn't leave me alone and I HAD to post it. I hope you enjoy it anyway.

"C'mere," Jaime told Cersei.

Only a few steps closer and she would have been in his arms when another face appeared before him--older and sterner than the face he expected.

Jaime jumped, banging his head against the wall.

Everything turned black.

\-------------

Jaime woke up on his bed, finding the room empty. His head was still throbbing from when he hit the wall.

"You really are stupid."

"What?" Jaime looked around the room to find himself still alone. He wondered if it was just a result from his concussion.

"You're so much better off without her."

He squinted, trying to find hidden passages from which people could be hiding.

"Show yourself, coward!" Jaime shouted, his demand echoing on the wall. The voice sounded too clear to be merely a figment of madness.

"Better a coward than a fool perhaps, but I'm neither."

At the foot of his bed, a human figured shimmered and all of Jaime's blood drained. The figure was transparent but he recognized her--that knowing quirk of the lips, those judging eyes, all encased in several lines of wrinkles. Jaime was certain it was the same clothing she wore last time he saw her.

"Olenna," he whispered and the woman nodded. "You're dead."

"I am," the spectre replied drily. "I don't even know why I'm back in this hellhole. I was certain the Stranger was already taking me to see my dear family but then he loosened his hold and there I was, watching you about to suck your sister's face."

"I must have hit my head too hard."

The ghost snorted. "As if you could get any dumber than that, boy."

"What do you want?" Jaime hissed at the apparition. The realization that both Tyrion and Sansa had been innocent still clawed at his heart. Was this the way his mind was reminding him of his guilt? As if his sane thoughts weren't already killing him.

"I want to see my family but unfortunately for both of us, I'm stuck here."

Jaime had a retort on his lips but his chamber doors opened.

"Jaime?"

The apparition was gone. _Definitely the concussion_.

Cersei smiled in a way that he knew too well. Jaime opened his arms readily and she came to him. They were back to their old routine.

"Gods you're disgusting!"

Jaime's eyes flew open and found the stupid ghost of Olenna Tyrell now standing next to his bed. He shut his eyes immediately, telling himself over and over again that it wasn't real.

But the voice kept talking.

"And I'm not even talking about the fact that you're brother and sister, even though that's already disgusting itself."

Jaime screwed his eyes tighter and kissed Cersei harder causing her to whimper at the sudden change.

"You look like you're gonna suck each other's faces off. It's unappealing."

Jaime growled, concentrating at the feeling of Cersei's nail scratching his back.

"I kissed better than that when I was four-and-ten."

 _She's not real. She's not real. She's not real_.

"How do you even find this arousing? This is another reason you both should seriously consider seeing other people."

Frustrated, Jaime broke off from Cersei's lips. He could hear that damned ghost mutter about that loud gross sucking.

"I think I need to rest for a while more," Jaime said. "I really hurt my head bad."

"Fine," Cersei said, her gaze was steel before she walked away briskly.

The door slam shut and the sound of it lingered for a bit before the room was plunged into silence.

"That was cold."

Jaime groaned.

\---------

Over the next few days, Jaime tried to be intimate with Cersei but they failed every time. Olenna appeared, constantly commenting on their lack of finesse and Jaime had to tell Cersei that the headache was doing things. Cersei got colder and colder every time.

At some point, Jaime was so frustrated, he decided to skip kissing and just get on with the fucking. But as soon as his cock was freed, the damned ghost groped him there.

"What the fuck?" Jaime bellowed. She barely even gripped it but her touch felt like ice.

"I got to say," Olenna whistled. "That's truly an impressive cock."

"Why the fuck did you do that?" Jaime roared, forgetting that Cersei was with him.

"It's rather dull being a ghost especially if the person you're haunting won't listen to you."

"Maybe I should send in for Qyburn," Cersei told him, unaware of the presence in the room.

Jaime didn't want to see that creepy old man but he had to so as not to arouse suspicion. The nonmaester didn't find anything wrong with him either. Though he didn't tell the man that he'd been seeing Olenna Tyrell's ghost. Jaime was ordered bedrest for the rest of the week.

He had his arm over his eyes but he could feel Olenna appear beside him.

"What?" he hissed.

And the old bat began on a tirade about how much of a fool he was and how monstrous his sister was.

Through it all, Jaime let the words fly over him.

Except for one statement.

"If you asked that monster to kill me without any pain, you might just be a better person than she is. Or even me."

That was the first time someone declared him a decent person.

Maybe not the first.

Unbidden, his thoughts turned to the Maid of Tarth, imagining her wrapped in Northern furs, fulfilling her mission against all odds.  
His heart warmed at the thought that there are still truly good things in this world.

\-----------

Jaime was happy to see Bronn. He was rude and crass but he was a welcomed change when Cersei barely visited him. Jaime and Cersei hadn't been intimate since either. He was always in his room to bring him news with regards to the army or others but he stayed even longer than Cersei.

"You missed it," Bronn said. "Your Grace might have just announced the most splendid news in ages."

"Did the Iron Bank supply her with a year's supply of wine?" Olenna snorted and Jaime willed himself to ignore her.

"The North wanted a parley under a flag of truce and Cersei allowed it."

"Will the Rains of Castamere be playing for the guests?" Olenna said.

"Oh... that's good." Jaime was glad. His sister couldn't have been that bad if she was going to do this.

Bronn leaned closer, whispering conspiringly, "I heard a certain blonde maiden will be sent as one of the envoys."

"Brienne?" he breathed out thoughtlessly.

Jaime saw Bronn smirk. Beside him, Olenna's expression was eerily similar.

"You got that stupid look on your face again," Bronn teased him. Beside him, Olenna agreed. "That's the face whenever you see her. I even saw it when we were on our way to Dorne. Did you perhaps see the Sapphire Isles?"

"Didn't you think the breeze was just rather nice compared to Kings Landing?" Jaime snapped.

"Sure, it was," Bronn said sarcastically.

"I know that look. Your son--the much nicer one--wore that same look around Margaery. Lady Brienne is a remarkable woman!"

"She put your grandson in his place," Jaime said without thinking.

"What?" Bronn said. "If I remember correctly, I still don't have that wife and castle so no grandsons for me."

"So much for Lannisters paying their debts," Olenna muttered.

"Besides, wasn't it you who she put in your place? Or was she fucking you? I don't remember. There were different versions of the story."

Jaime blushed as Olenna laughed.

"I was imprisoned for nearly a year and was wrapped in chains," Jaime protested.

"Oh, so you're into that?" Bronn teased further. "No wonder you haven't been very intimate with the Queen lately. I can hear her with Greyjoy from the grounds."

"I like him," Olenna remarked.

"I've been having a headache," Jaime clarified. "And Brienne and I fought a real swordfight at the bridge. It was a rather enjoyable fight. Until we were interrupted by men who cut off my hand."

"What a tragedy," Olenna said unsympathetically.

"I did it to save Brienne from rape," Jaime snapped and everything went silent.

"Well..." Both Olenna and Bronn chorused even if the latter didn't know.

"Just fuck the lady already," Bronn said.

"I second that," Olenna said. "Just don't do that gross kissing you do with your sister."

"I won't have her dishonored," Jaime insisted.

"Marry her, then," Olenna spoke.

"Well, if you won't. I will. I still need my castle and wife," Bronn said.

"Don't touch her," he hissed at Bronn.

The sellsword raised his hands in surrender.

"Fine. She's all yours."

"Leave," Jaime growled.

Bronn shrugged and did as told. When he was gone, he saw Olenna study him intently.

"What wisdom will you bestow upon me, oh wise Lady Tyrell?"

"So you're finally ready to listen to my counsel, boy?" Her voice dripped with as much sarcasm as his, even more.

Jaime sighed gesturing her to go on.

\------------

"I'm not sending the Lannister army North," Cersei told Jaime in the night, after the meeting with Jon and Daenerys at the Dragonpit.

"But you swore to them you would." Jaime couldn't believe Cersei would go back on her word.

Cersei waved him away though. "Oaths mean very little these days. You of all people should know that, brother."

Jaime's teeth was grinding.

"They need us or the whole realm will perish."

"Let those White Walkers destroy our enemies for us. We'll have this whole kingdom to ourselves. Just you and me, brother."

Jaime was beyond angry. He was furious. But he forced a smile on his lips.

"Of course. You and me. Together. Always."

He placed a tender kiss on her lips before it grew heated. It was familiar and his body's reactions were familiar but his mind was imagining kissing different lips.

\-------------

"I told you, didn't I, boy?" Olenna said as Jaime briskly walked away from Cersei's chambers.

"Slight change of plans but the alliance part remains," he told her.

Olenna nodded knowingly. "Good," she simply replied.

\------------

When Jaime kissed Brienne to pledge his love, he took a little too long with a little too much tongue, much to everyone's discomfort.

"Boy, you have plenty of time for that in your chambers," he heard Olenna's voice and he chuckled against Brienne's lips before breaking off.

Brienne still looked confused even if he had told her many times that he truly loved her. Even Olenna's advice in wooing Brienne barely worked. That woman's insecurities and wariness was as stubborn as every part of her. Jaime wasn't been sure if it was endearing or frustrating.

All Jaime could do was to use his eyes to convey his sincerity. That he loved her. That this marriage was more than just convenience or alliance.

When the septon finished with the ceremony, the crowd gave a reluctant clap. Jaime waved at the crowd. Olenna was in front of him, flickering and fading.

"Finally!" the ghost of the Queen of Thorns said. "Take care of the girl, will you? Or I'll crawl out from the depths of the Seven Hells to drag you with me."

"Tell father I send my regards," he muttered. He knew Brienne heard him but he didn't mind. Maybe one day he'll explain to her.

Olenna chuckled until her form faded along with her sound.

Jaime turned to Brienne, his wife now, looking at him incredulously.

"Just saying goodbye to an old friend."

Brienne still looked skeptical but nodded.

\-------

Jaime was almost expecting for Olenna to materialize once his lips touched Brienne's. His ears were awaiting for a complaint about his 'sucking' skills.

He was starting to miss the old crone but he was thankful that the only sounds he was hearing were the crackling fire, their flesh, and moans.

"Brienne," he said, heatedly gazing into her eyes. "You are a remarkable woman. Believe me when I say I love you."

Her large hands went from his nape to the back of his head. The pain may have been long gone but he recalled it was where he hit his head.

"And all it took was a hit on a head by the right person to let me realize it."

**Author's Note:**

> *hides*


End file.
